• You believe that 90% of people are a poor excuse for protoplasm…
• Discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal to you..
• You believe a good tape job will fix anything…
• You have the bladder capacity of five people…
• You can identify the positive teeth to tattoo ratio…
• Your idea of a good time is a full arrest at shift change…
• You find humor in other people’s stupidity…
• You believe in aerial spraying of Prozac…
• You disbelieve 90% of what you are told and 75% of what you see…
• You have your weekends off planned for a year in advance…
• You automatically assume the patient is a drug seeker when presented with the complaint of migraine, lower back pain, chronic myalgia (choose one of the above), a list of numerous allergies to meds (except Demerol), and the statement that the family doctor is from out of town…
• Your idea of comforting a child includes placing them in a papoose restraint
• * You encourage an obnoxious patient to sign out AMA so you don’t have to deal with them any longer…
• You believe that “shallow gene pool” should be a recognized diagnosis…
• You have discovered a new condition that you call “hypo-xanax-emia”…
• You believe that the government should require a permit to reproduce…
• You debate which is worse, spaghetti and meatballs or pizza and beer, while performing gastric lavage…
• You plan your dinner break while lavaging an overdose patient…
• You believe that “ask-a-nurse” is an evil plot thought up by Satan…
• You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if the phrase “wow, it’s really quiet” is uttered…
• You threaten to strangle anyone who even starts to say the “Q” word when the ER is even remotely calm…
• You refer to Friday as NH Dump Day and you don’t mean New Hampshire…
• Your diet consists of food that has gone through more processing than most computers…
• You believe chocolate is a food group…
• You take it as a compliment when someone calls you a dirty name…
• You say to yourself “great veins” when looking at complete strangers …
• You have ever referred to someone’s death as a transfer to the eternal care unit…
• You don’t think a referral to Dr. Kevorkian is inappropriate…
• You have ever referred to someone’s death as a celestial transfer…
• You have ever answered a “lost condom” phone call…
• You refer to someone in severe respiratory distress as a “smurf”…
• Your idea of a good time is dueling shock rooms…
• You have ever wanted to hold a seminar entitled “Suicide…Doing It Right!”..
• You feel that most suicide attempts should be given a free subscription to “Guns and Ammo” magazine…
• You believe that “too stupid to live” should be a diagnosis…
• You have ever had to leave a patient’s room before you begin to laugh uncontrollably…
• You have ever wanted to reply “yes” when someone calls and asks “Is my (husband, wife, mother, brother, friend, etc.) there?”…
• You have ever issued a “dead head” alert…
• You have ever referred to the E.R. Doc or triage nurse as a “shit magnet”…
• Your favorite hallucinogenic is exhaustion…
• You think that caffeine should be available in I.V. form…
• You have ever restrained someone and it was not a sexual experience…
• Your most common assessment question is “what changed, — tonight ,to make it an emergency after 6 (hours, days, weeks, months, years)?”…
• You have witnessed the charge nurse muttering down the hallway “who’s in charge of this mess anyway?”…
• You refer to vegetables and are not talking about a food group…
• You have ever used the phrase “health care reform” to instill fear into your coworkers’ hearts…
• You believe the waiting room should be equipped with a valium fountain…
• You play poker by betting ectopics on EKG strips…
• You believe a “supreme being consult” is your patient.s only hope…
• You want lab to order a “dumb shit profile”…
• You are totally astounded when someone from a NH is understandable…
• You have been exposed to so many x-rays that you consider radiation a form of birth control…
• You believe your patient is demonically possessed…
• You have ever had a patient look you straight in the eye and say “I have no idea how that got stuck in there !”…
• You believe that waiting room time should be proportional to length of time from symptom onset (”you’ve had the pain for three weeks…well have a seat in the waiting room and we’ll get to you in three days”)…
• You know the phone number to the local Detox Center by heart…
• You have ever had a patient say, “. . .—-But, I’m not pregnant; I can’t be pregnant; how can I be having a baby?”…
• You have ever had a patient control his seizures when offered some food…
• You carry your own set of keys to the “leathers”…
• Your idea of gambling is an ETOH level pool instead of a football pool…
• Your bladder expands to the same size as a Winnebago’s water tank…
• Your feet are slightly flatter and tougher than Fred Flintstone’s…
• Your immune system is so well developed that it has been known to attack squirrels in the backyard…
• You get an almost irresistible urge to stand and wolf your food even in the nicest restaurants…
• Your idea of fine dining is anywhere you can sit down to eat…
• You have a special shrine in your home to the inventor of Haldol…
• Your idea of an x-ray prep is a second dose of Haldol…
• Your idea of a CT prep includes Norcuron and a vent…
• You have recurring nightmares about being knocked to the floor and run over by a portable x-ray machine…
• Your nursing shoes have been seized and quarantined by either the Centers for Disease Control in Atlanta, OSHA, the EPA, or the Nuclear Regulatory Commission…
• You’re able to tell the difference between a medical order and the ground around a poultry farm…
• You’ve been chipping away at your BSN for longer than most people take for a doctorate…
• Your idea of thawing the holiday turkey consists of an IV and warmed saline … (and if the holiday turkey you usually see has arms instead of wings and is sauced instead basted)…
• You have every referred to subcutaneous air as “Rice Krispies”…
• You have thought OD instead of BBQ when asked to get the Charcoal…
• You believe that a large part of your daily calorie requirement is provided by Tylenol, Advil, or Excedrin…
• AND FINALLY….===YOU MIGHT BE AN E.R. NURSE IF…—-YOU FIND HUMOR IN ANY OF THIS!!!

Emergency Nursing World